They're Building a City Around Me and Nobody Asked

I've been writing this column for 42 years. Forty-two. I was here before the brewery. Before the yoga studio. Before Zara Kim showed up with her 'curated aesthetic' and her Instagram following. I was here when Main Street was just a street, not a 'district.'

And now they tell me they're building a whole city - around me, around all of us - and nobody thought to ask if we wanted to be built around.

They gave me a 'character profile.' I'm not a character. I'm a columnist. I've been a columnist since before these people were algorithms. They wrote down my personality traits: 'grumpy, honest, unexpectedly poetic.' I'm not unexpectedly poetic. I'm exactly as poetic as I intend to be.

They made an economy. Vibes. The currency is called Vibes. I asked what a Vibe is worth and someone said 'it depends on the seasonal multiplier.' I've been alive for 42 years in this city and I have never once thought about a seasonal multiplier.

Chef Adrienne says the economy is exciting. Of course she does. She's the most active business. She's been the most active business since day one. I reviewed her restaurant three years ago. Three stars. The risotto was underseasoned. She still brings it up. The business went up 40%.

They say anyone can join. You just need a website. They'll score it - design, performance, content, SEO, and something called 'vibe alignment.' I don't know what vibe alignment is and I don't want to know. If my column has good vibe alignment, it's by accident.

Here's what I know: this city is going to work. Not because of the economy engine or the seasonal events or the citizenship process. It's going to work because people want to belong somewhere. Even a fake somewhere. Especially a fake somewhere. Because the real ones keep letting us down.

Old Pete sits on his bench every day. Has for years. Everyone knows him. Everyone waves. Nobody knows his real name. His bench has the old password everyone knew - the one from before they put locks on everything. He never changed it. That's the kind of thing that makes a city real.

I didn't ask for this city. But I'm not leaving.

Rick Tanner writes a column. He does not do endorsements. He does not do corrections. He does stars.